Our lives as work-at-home parents

Daphne Ling, 30, blogger and freelance writer

Kelvin Kao, 32, recently started own PR social media agency

• Met in university, married in 2007. Each has two siblings.

• Three children, Truett, 4, Kirsten, 3 and Finn, 8 weeks

• Live in a four-room flat they bought resale for S$245,000

Why the decision to have kids?

Kelvin: Daphne made it quite clear from the beginning she wanted four to seven kids!

Daphne: It came up quite early on when we were dating (I was 19, he was 21). He likes kids, so he didn’t mind. I like the idea of a big family; when they are grown up, you can sit down to dinner in a big group.

You could have put off having children, as other young couples often do, but instead bucked the trend by having three, and before 30! Why?

Daphne: We knew it would be a delicate balancing act to have kids early, but we didn’t see having a career and having children as mutually exclusive.

It would mean making adjustments and putting in more time at night and being more stretched and tired, but I guess we wanted to do it while we were still young enough to handle it. I can’t imagine going through pregnancy and the newborn stage at 35 or 40! I don’t think I’d be able to keep up.

A week after I gave birth to Truett, we honestly thought of stopping at one. It was just so crazy those first few months. As new parents, you panic a lot over everything!

We couldn’t go for a decent meal for months and when we did, we had to take turns shoving food down our throats while the other carried and rocked him.

But things got a lot better after three months and we started to really enjoy the whole experience. So we were like “okay, this isn’t so bad and he’s really kind of cute. Maybe we should go for one more”. So we did.

We also wanted the children to be close to each other in age, so they can grow up being best friends. It’s really sweet watching them play and laugh together.

Did you factor in whether the environment was conducive to raising kids?

Daphne: We didn’t actually think too much about it. We’ve made it work regardless of the environment.

It was tough when I had my first child. I was working full-time in corporate communications then and I was quite determined to go back to work after my maternity leave. So we explored all the childcare options. We got a maid who didn’t quite work out. Our parents are still working ... After a month back at work, I tendered.

Did you consider childcare?

Daphne: With subsidies, the cost of infant care was about S$800 back then. But the main thing is that every facility we visited, I just could not bring myself to put my baby in infant care. The thought of leaving him there for 12 hours a day, for one or two years, was a bit depressing.

And so you quit your job and started your own thing.

Daphne: It got easier along the way. But initially, it was hard. You literally halve your income but you have the same bills to pay every day. We redid our budget many times!

Was achieving your ideal work-life balance a reason for starting your own business and working from home?

Kelvin: Definitely, I wanted to be more involved. I like family-life and being around my children as they grow up. It’s turned out well. I have an office space, but I also work from home.

Daphne: There are some adjustments. When the kids are around, it can get noisy so we have to work later into the night. We have to schedule our time, but for us, the flexibility is worth it. And we manage our hours better.

What are some of the key sacrifices you’ve had to make?

Daphne: I wasn’t super career driven but I guess being a stay-at-home mum, I do lose out on that adult interaction.

You want to feel that you are useful. If you stay at home too long, you feel a little rusty. Your friends are all working, it’s a different lifestyle, they hang out at night, which we can’t do. I feel a bit left behind.

Kelvin: For me it’s the recreation side of things, not so much career. Like, I used to play football every Sunday.

Daphne: But right now, things are actually better. Financially, we’re more settled.

What do you think needs to be done to improve the situation for people to want to be parents — or for parents like yourself to have more kids?

Kelvin: Maybe we’ll have four, I think — four is the limit.

Daphne: We are thankful that we’ve found something that works for us. If I were in a full-time job checking into an office every day, it would be really tough.

Kelvin: I think there are various options for mums to work from home, but the quality of the work available to be quite honest is not there. It’s mainly clerical, administrative work ...

Daphne: ... Making jewellery at home. You need work that’s more sustainable. I think (in terms of support), most parents are looking for a more long-term solution than four months of maternity leave, paternity leave and six days’ childcare leave.

Kelvin: These policies are okay, but what we need is more flexibility, more options to work from home … The pay may not reach a high scale, but the options should allow for more executive level work.

Daphne: Strategising kind of work that makes use of your experience. I have friends (stay-at-home mums) who cannot find a job that they feel they can add value to.

Despite all the challenges, would you do this whole parenthood experience all over again?

Daphne: Absolutely, yes. As tough as it has been, it doesn’t even come close to the joy and satisfaction the kids have brought into our lives. They’re tiny and cute and do the most hilarious stuff.

Sometimes I feel like I want to slaughter them and they come up to me all nonchalant and say: “MUM! I just want to say that I love you so much. OK bye!” Or they’ll say: “Next time when I’m a big girl, I’m going to be just like you” in such a matter-of-fact manner that you know they really mean it.

One time I was out running some errands and Kirsten wanted to tag along. So I spent a whole afternoon doing boring stuff while she walked beside holding my hand, making wisecracks about the stuff we saw along the way.

It was one of the best afternoons I’ve ever had. Just running errands with my kid.

– LOOKING FOR CHILDCARE?

• Child Care Link (www.childcarelink.gov.sg) is a one-stop portal with help on locating the nearest child and infant care centre; information on various subsidies and advice for first-time parents.

– LOOKING FOR FLEXIWORK?

• Social enterprise Mums at Work (www.mumsatwork.net) helps mums find jobs with flexi-working arrangements (Eg flexible workweek hours, freelance and contractual work) Positions listed have included: Senior legal counsel with a government ministry; part-time operations manager; PR manager for an online retailer; internal audit senior manager; software engineer; curriculum specialist.

• At American Express, more than 25 per cent of staff are on some flexi-work arrangement. For those working from home, the company provides a home-office set-up.

• At IBM Singapore, about 5 per cent of employees work from home. All IBM employees are telecommuting-enabled, and performance is evaluated not based on time spent in the office but on business outcomes.

– NOT WORKING:

There were more than 270,000 economically inactive residents between the ages of 25 to 54 in 2010. Women made up 85 per cent of them.