The Campaign Issue: Meet anti-mascots Fumbling Fanny, Texting Timmy and more

SINGAPORE — We all need gentle reminders, sometimes, to move in a little, smell a little better and smile a little more — in a non-creepy manner, of course. For those intents and purposes, there are hardworking mascots like Singa the Courtesy Lion, Water Wally and Move-In Martin. But there are knuckleheads around us who simply need to be told what not to do. To help the cause, we have created our own mascots — or anti-mascots, if you will — for you to take a long hard look at.

FUMBLING FANNY. It is raining and you are trying to get on the bus before you get soaked. But you can’t, because Fanny’s standing on the top step, fumbling about in her capacious handbag for her EZ-Link card. And, of course, it was in her hand all this time. Thank you, Fanny.

TEXTING TIMMY. Don’t mind Timmy — he’s just too busy texting his friend or playing games on his mobile phone to notice that he’s walking at snail’s pace and blocking everybody behind him during rush hour.

NAIL-CLIPPING NELSON. Nelson’s nails and chin hairs grow at an alarming rate, and he is very, very busy. Why else would he have to clip his nails, pluck his chin hairs, clean out his ears and pick his nose on the bus, on the train, in the airplane and everywhere except in his own home?

OBLIVIOUS OWEN. Owen is an annoying prat and doesn’t even know it. He is loud and unrestrained in public, doesn’t realise his man-bag is whacking everyone around him, and wheels his shopping cart or baby’s pram over other people’s feet. And he wonders why people insist on getting in his way.

HOGS-TWO-LANES HAROLD. A cousin of Owen’s, Harold cannot decide if he wants to keep left or right. Needless to say, he never signals, except for when he signals left and then turns right. May he incur the wrath of a thousand summons aunties.

SOCIAL MEDIA SHAMER SUZY. Beware of Suzy! She takes videos and photos of everyone who behaves like the mascots on this list, and posts them anonymously online. And, oh yeah, she’s totally judging you, too.

LEERING LARRY. He doesn’t understand that it’s rude to stare. At your chest.

DANDRUFF-SHEDDING DORIS. Don’t believe Doris has dandruff? Don’t worry. She’ll prove it to you by picking at her scalp and shaking her hair about when she’s in a crowded elevator or in front of you in a queue.

FOOT-AIRING FRANKIE. You are probably all too familiar with that sour smell — eau de foot, as the French say — wafting over from where Frankie is sitting: Next to you at a restaurant, cinema or your daughter’s piano recital. You wonder why Frankie wears those Crocs at all, seeing as he just can’t keep them on.

PDA PAUL AND PAULINE. Every moment not spent locked in each other’s embrace is a moment lost for Paul and Pauline. And if you don’t like the fact that they do it right in front of you on the escalator, then you are probably a bitter bachelor/spinster.

MODEL CITIZEN MOLLY. So many mascots, so little time. Why not just follow the lead of a single model citizen mascot, Molly? Molly takes the window seat on the bus so you don’t have to wiggle your bottom past a perfect stranger; Molly never turns her showers into mini-concerts so she doesn’t waste water; Molly gets married at the age of 24 and produces six kids — three boys and three girls, of course. Forget Singa, Water Wally and Move-In Martin. Molly the Model Citizen is the only mascot you’ll ever need. Hon Jing Yi