Football flicks

SINGAPORE — The die has been cast: Brazil, Colombia, France, Germany, the Netherlands, Costa Rica, Argentina and Belgium are the teams left in the World Cup race. As they duke it out, what are we to do during the lull periods? We could keep watching replays but, if you ask us, we recommend heading to the video store (or the National Library) to borrow movies about football. Whether it’s the Goal trilogy or dramatic biopics such as Best, there are enough tears, joy and laughter in these flicks to rival what we’ve seen in Brazil.

MIKE BASSETT: ENGLAND MANAGER. Who doesn’t like a good laugh at the expense of the England team? Well, okay, England fans. But they say art imitates life and this mockumentary about the English football squad doesn’t hit quite close to the bone.

It follows the fortunes of the titular Bassett who goes from being manager of a Division One team to helming the England squad — after nobody else wants the job. England need to win the remaining match to qualify, but they’re in poor form and can achieve only a draw. Thanks to a fluke win by their qualifying group mates Luxembourg, England go through and Bassett and the team find themselves winging their way to Brazil (yes, Brazil) to play in the finals.

This is the Spinal Tap of football and fans will find themselves laughing at all the asides and references (the English players cannot score from penalties, Bassett is adamant about the 4-4-2 formation, etc). But what’s uncanny is that some events in this 2001 film proved to be accurate during the actual World Cup the following year: England beat Argentina 1-0, but lost to Brazil, who eventually won the World Cup.

LOOKING FOR ERIC. That’s Eric Cantona, one of the world’s best footballers. The movie is about Eric Bishop (played by Steve Evets), a football fanatic postman whose life is descending into crisis. During his lowest moments, Bishop considers suicide. But after a short meditation session with fellow postmen and smoking cannabis stolen from his stepson, he experiences hallucinations, in which his footballing hero, Eric Cantona (played by the Manchester United/France legend himself), appears and gives him advice. While reviews have been mixed, it’s still a charming little film. And as it turns out, Cantona is also quite an actor — he plays his part as spiritual guide with relish.

ESCAPE TO VICTORY. The premise: It’s World War II and Allied POWs play football with their German captors. The Allied team captain is Michael Caine and their goalkeeper Sylvester Stallone. So naturally, they’re 4-1 down at half-time. But in the miracle of miracles, they claw their way back and the match ends in a draw. Fans storm the pitch and the POWs escape.

Far-fetched? Apparently not. It’s actually based on a true story about the now-infamous Death Match with players from Dynamo Kiev, who were captured by the Germans. They played a series of matches and won all of them. But, unlike the movie, the team was sent to prison camps. Sure, this film features one of the worst acting performances (barring Hayden Christiansen in the Star Wars prequels). But to be fair, the majority of the “actors” aren’t actors — they’re footballers, including Bobby Moore, Osvaldo Ardiles, Werner Roth and Pele.

SHAOLIN SOCCER. Turn off your mind with this film. This is possibly the silliest movie about football, but it’s also the funniest. Yes, even funnier than Mike Bassett: England Manager. Stephen Chow recruits some Shaolin monks to battle an evil conglomerate team on the pitch.

And who can defeat a team that has players named Golden Leg, Steel Leg and Iron Hand? And there’s a little love story involving Vicki Zhao’s character — who also turns out to be a great footballer. With references to Bruce Lee, The Matrix and spaghetti westerns, this is one movie that’s filled with total mayhem. And we love it.

THE CUP. Speaking of monks, this film revolves around a bunch of Tibetan monks who, when they’re not in prayer, apparently want to catch the 1998 World Cup final between Brazil and France. Or at least one of them does. Orgyen, a young monk-in-training, played by Jamyang Lodro — himself an actual monk, supports France because it is the only Western country that supports a free Tibet. Directed by Khyentse Norbu, a real-life Buddhist monk who learnt film-making from Bernardo Bertolucci (when he made Little Buddha), this movie was inspired by a true story of a young boy who escaped from China-ruled Tibet to find shelter in an exiled Tibetan monastery in India. Some critics have slammed the film for being too whimsical, but you can’t deny that it features great visuals and a charming tale. (Besides, France might actually have a realistic shot at the Cup this year too.)

BEND IT LIKE BECKHAM. Women’s football never looked so good, unless you count the documentary feature The World At Their Feet. Bend It Like Beckham revolves around Jesminder “Jess” Bhamra (played by Parminder Nagra), the 18-year-old daughter of Punjabi Sikhs in London, who is infatuated with football. But her parents have forbidden her to play as she is a girl. Still, she joins a local women’s team, which makes it to the top of the league. While this movie has been talked about many times, it is still a story that you can watch again. It also introduced Keira Knightley to the world.