Diana Ser: Here’s how to ruin your painstakingly plotted family vacation

SINGAPORE — ‘Tis the season for year-end family vacations. Mothers, tighten your belts, keep a lid on your tempers and smile through gritted teeth!

Thanks to budget airlines and the so-called sharing economy (think Airbnb), year-end family vacations are no longer for the coddled middle class. Now, everyone can fly because we are generation easyJet.

But all mothers, I’m sure, are well aware of what lies ahead of a “family vacation”, and I too have learnt valuable lessons after travelling with three young children in the name of holiday. Regardless of who pays the bills, we all know that mothers pay the price.

Here are my top tips on how not to enjoy your next family holiday. Follow them at your own peril:

1. Cram your itinerary with every recommendation from www.kiasutourist.com

Visit every temple and every cave found in your destination, and join all the free activities you can find. Pack in the MOST fun possible because young children do not get overstimulated and cranky while on holiday (yah, right). And adults do not deserve time out because, hey, isn’t this all for the kiddos? If you want downtime, you would have stayed on the family couch to watch The Walking Dead.

This second tip, I learnt from another mum. If your child is petite, lie about her age to get a better deal to a place of interest. And in case she blows your cover in front of the ticket lady, remind her to smile and nod obediently when you under-report her age. Apparently, thrift is a greater virtue than honesty.

2. Knock them out with electronic devices

Digital detox is for the delusional. How can we expect our young to disconnect from devices and connect with each other, when Mommy and Daddy cannot bear to put down the smartphones ourselves? Studies have shown that family vacations are being ruined by technology dependence. So I say, when you cannot beat them, join them.

It seems that in the United States, there is a tech backlash and more parents are booking holidays at family resorts that tout limited or — gasp — no online access. Imagine not having to say “Stop texting” or “Get off the iPad”. Will we have anything to say to each other?

3. Stay within your comfort zone

Imagine how awful it is to fall ill, or worse, meet with a mishap while away from home. Who can vouch for the health and emergency services in foreign lands, especially in less developed countries? Better stick to the trodden path, even if it means jostling with other visitors, purchasing overpriced goods and visiting hum drum touristy spots. Never mind that a number of studies have shown that experiences provide more happiness and satisfaction compared to material goods. So for example, taking a child to the petting zoo easily trumps buying her a soft toy of a zoo animal. In fact, researchers have found that even unpleasant experiences, such as getting lost in the woods, are valued more than material possessions. That is because these experiences live on in the stories we tell, whereas the satisfaction derived from a material good declines over time. But for the preternaturally paranoid, comfort zone is the only zone.

4. Do not waste money on disposable underwear

There are only two types of travellers: Those who pack regular underwear and those who swear by disposables. Forget about spending extra cash on disposables. What else are you going to do when the kids knock out from too much time in the sun? Hand wash their underwear, of course! As your husband snores contentedly and the kids snooze, mommy can hand wash their soiled skivvies in the bathroom sink. I don’t know about you, but I use equal parts hotel bar soap and cursing.

5. Do not pack extra change

Bring sufficient change of clothes, nothing more. Firstly, you save on luggage space. That leaves more room for those holiday purchases that you will invariably find bewildering when you unpack back home. More importantly, not packing enough change forces you to get creative. On a ski trip previously, I realised that I did not bring enough thermal underwear for my brood. My (exhausted) brain went to work immediately, and I concocted a scheme to — you guessed it — reverse and rotate. Luckily for me, my kids are not too varied in size — a boon at such times. And when you collect enough stains, they actually make a not-too-unpleasant pattern.

So now that you are all set for that year-end holiday with the kids, make the most of it. Tell me how it goes — if you survive it.

Diana Ser is a TV host who currently runs online portal Crazy About Chinese that encourages parents to teach their children the Chinese language through daily activities. She is married to actor-turned-bank executive James Lye and they have three children: Jake, 10, Christy, eight, and Jaymee, five.