I am an older mum, but watch me soar: Diana Ser

SINGAPORE — Yet another study has found that older mothers may be better mothers.

After surveying some 4,700 Danish families over 15 years, researchers at Aarhus University in Denmark concluded that children born to mothers over the age of 30 experience fewer behavioural, social and emotional difficulties. In other words, they seem to turn out better.

Why do I feel so vindicated when deep down inside, I knew this to be true all along?

I had my first child at 34. Not quite vintage, but still considerably older than 29.7, the average age of first-time mums here.

By the time I had my third and youngest five years later, I had suffered from severe nausea and vomiting for a combined period of 12 months. Yes, that’s 365 days of hugging the toilet bowl.

You see, I suffered from hyperemesis gravidarum during pregnancy, a condition far worse than morning sickness. Vomiting seven to eight times a day was par for the course. Even a sip of water could make me spout like the Merlion.

“I can’t believe you had three!” was a comment I often get when I share the story about my condition.

Younger mums have easier pregnancies, said Dr Yvonne Soong, an obstetrician and gynaecologist with 29 years of experience. “But in terms of strength of character and discipline in a difficult pregnancy, older mums fare better.”

Older mums also tend to have higher-risk pregnancies, but studies have shown that we are also more psychologically mature and financially stable to manage these risks.

So we are even, right? Not quite, it seems.

One has to turn to Singapore’s most famous older mum, getai star Liu Ling Ling, for her thoughts. Liu, 54, set tongues and fingers wagging when she had a baby boy via in vitro fertilisation four years ago.

“The most hurtful thing was when someone posted on Facebook, asking if it was fair to the child,” she told me.

Not that it was any of my business, but I must admit that I, too, raised an eyebrow back then when the news broke.

How could I not? I have been bred on a diet of dire warnings and negative messages about being an older mother.

From my mum, to doctors, to the mainstream media, we are constantly plied with facts and figures portending all sorts of scary outcomes for women who delay motherhood.

As a woman reading between the lines, one could construe the multiple “challenges” of trying to conceive as that older women are sad and desperate.

“Difficult pregnancies” read that older mums-to-be are endangering their own and their unborn babies’ lives.

When baby does arrive safely, he may have a litany of medical issues that he would not have if his mother had had him earlier.

There is no doubt these are real in some cases — it certainly was not fun having weekly steroid jabs in my thigh during my last two pregnancies (I had early contractions).

But it is also true that in spite of all these challenges and obstacles, many older women do have successful pregnancies and healthy babies.

And the credit goes entirely to them and their medical caregivers.

As getai star Liu said: “I did not have a child by accident. I had a child because I dearly wanted one.”

MUM AT 19, THEN AGAIN AT 40

When she gave birth to a boy at the age of 19, Ms Jeanne Tan, now 42, had not exactly planned on becoming a mother.

She was, in common parlance, knocked up.

Two years ago, at 40, she had her third child within her second marriage.

How different is it being a mother in her 20s, compared to one in her 40s?

She puts it in short: Energy, money and attitude.

The owner of a cleaning business, Ms Tan is now better off materialistically. But work and age combined put stress on her time and energy levels.

As a young mother, she had resented her firstborn boys for “shackling” her, she said with a smile.

But being an older mum has changed her outlook.

“I have learnt that I did not pay enough attention and show concern to my older boys. I used to beat them, but now I know that is not the right way to teach them (how to behave better) ... Even though they are all grown up now, I try to stay connected with them, for example, by calling them,” she said.

Wisdom, one could say, comes with age.

So, what if older mums are really better mums? What does that mean for our society? Would we then encourage older women to have babies, so we can have smarter and better-adjusted kids?

Before you hurl the brickbats, consider this: There is already a powerful demographic shift towards older mums, not just in Singapore but also all over the developed world.

In my opinion, there needs to be a shift towards more balance in the discourse of older mums — and delayed parenthood.

And, why let the men get away with it? Researchers have found that the male biological clock does, in fact, exist, but most people do not hear it ticking.

The quantity and quality of sperm decline as men age, not to mention the reproductive health of the average male has also been on the decline.

So, the discourse on having a baby later should be framed as delayed parenthood, and not motherhood, as it has been so far.

It is true that I will never know what it is like to have a child at 28, the age when my mother had me.

But I am beyond grateful just to be able to have kids.

The point is not maternal age, but the health and happiness of our mothers.

Getai star Liu, who is often mistaken for her son’s grandmother, has this to say: “I tell my son, ‘Good, what. I give you an Ah Ma’s (Grandma) love and a Mummy’s love all at once!’”

Diana Ser is a TV host who currently runs online portal Crazy About Chinese, which encourages parents to teach their children the Chinese language through daily activities. She is married to actor-turned-bank executive James Lye, and they have three children aged between five and 10.