Office jargon we love to hate

LONDON — A leaked memo has suggested that the United Kingdom wants to “have its cake and eat it” when it comes to Britain’s exit from the European Union, causing speculation over whether the British government has revealed (albeit accidentally) details of its negotiating strategy for the first time.

But let’s focus on the most shocking thing about that memo: The use of the phrase “have its cake and eat it”. Surely, they should know better than to use meaningless business jargon like this?

Downing Street has denied that the note — which was carried by an aide to a Conservative party vice-chairman after a meeting in No 10 — was a government document.

Clearly, they don’t want to own up to using the same shoddy catchphrase already adopted by countless Apprentice contestants. Brexit means Brexit, after all.

So, in the spirit of having one’s cake and eating it — here is some more office jargon we love to hate:

GOING FORWARD

Anyone who has ever worked in an office will be familiar with this one. It’s probably the most overused piece of professional jargon. The phrase was probably thought up to encourage staff to stay optimistic, rather than dwell on negative developments.

However, others, such as British minister Alan Duncan, took a stand for common sense when he banned his staff from using the term, calling it “loose and meaningless”. So, going forward, let’s ditch this one completely.

TO ‘ACTION’ SOMETHING

When your boss wants to be less boss-like and more like a motivational speaker, you may be asked to “action” something rather than simply “get it done”. That’s because we’re all go-getters and the best of friends, right? On the plus side, “actioning” suggests delegation, rather than putting in the hard slog yourself ... so look to the office junior on this one.

TOUCH BASE

The term is an Americanism and comes from baseball, where runners have to touch the base for a run to be valid. In the office, it means to make or renew contact with someone. This can be in the form of a call, email or face-to face meeting — and is sometimes followed by the word “offline” (as in “let’s touch base offline”). Often, “let’s touch base” is about as meaningful as “let’s do lunch”. Office workers may also be asked to “reach out”.

CIRCLE BACK

Here is another piece of office jargon that makes absolutely no sense. It means to catch up later; a version of “follow up” or “check in”. An example: “I’m just heading to a very important meeting but we will circle back later.” Well, it’s better than “revert”, which is grammatically wrong, anyway (“I will revert to you about this”); but for some reason, circling sharks come to mind with this one.

BRAINSTORM

It’s slightly more specific than “blue-sky thinking”, but no less irritating. The brainstorming movement was nearly thwarted several years ago, when a council banned the term, fearing it might offend mentally ill people and those with epilepsy. An alternative phrase — “idea shower” — was encouraged, but still feels like a shower of jargon.

360-DEGREE THINKING

According to Neil Strauss, author of pick-up guide The Game, 360-degree thinking “is a way to maximise success and minimise failure”. It basically means to consider things from all angles — as if we needed another excuse to over-think anything.

THINKING OUTSIDE THE BOX

If your head doesn’t hurt from all that 360-degree thinking, you can also “think outside the box”. This phrase has become something of a cliche, which ironically, is a sign that you’re most certainly not thinking originally.

GET THE BALL ROLLING

This sporting idiom originated from games that began when a ball started to roll. Makes perfect sense. Yet, somehow the term has crept into boardrooms and office blocks, and simply means to “begin”. Whatever.

LOOK UNDER THE BONNET

We don’t know about you, but when we look under a car bonnet, we are largely confused. Of course, in office speak, the phrase means to analyse a situation, rather than “call your mechanic”.

TO “PARK” SOMETHING

Yes, another car metaphor. This is a double whammy of disappointment. It’s your boss trying to disguise the fact they’re rejecting your idea by being opaque about it. To “park something” is a way of saying “no”. Do not be fooled. There will be no “circling back” to this one. THE DAILY TELEGRAPH