Our tongue-in-cheek guide of five places to go to avoid children

SINGAPORE — It is politically incorrect to admit that one does not like children. So, I’ll just put it this way: I’m more of a dog person, really.

Actually, it’s not so much that I don’t like the little munchkins — I’m just terrified of them. Every time there is a child within a radius of five metres of me, it will somehow find some way to poke me in the eye, assail me with a blunt object, run its skate scooter blithely over my foot, or make my eardrums yearn for the relative tranquility of a death 
metal concert.

Children fill me with a sense of panic. I used to be safe from them at my favourite coffee places. But lately, I’ve realised that it is no longer the case. The hipsters have grown up and spawned — and are now taking their squalling offspring with them to their habitual haunts.

Where can the Miss Trunchbulls among us go, then, for some rugrat-free, grown-up time? Here are some suggestions so that the school holiday month ahead doesn’t have to be a fear-filled one.

CHINA SHOPS

Any store that sells porcelain figurines, crystal chandeliers or bone china dinnerware is a good bet for a child-free environment. After all, there are few parents who can afford to release their little typhoons of energy in shops where all the price tags are inversely proportionate to the length of time the goods are likely to remain intact in their presence.

TAI CHI SESSIONS

Join a tai chi class at your neighbourhood Residents’ Committee or in parks such as the Botanic Gardens. You’ll be surrounded by the opposite of children: Tranquil, peace-loving old people who are statistically less likely to wipe their snot on you or spill grape juice down your white top. And you get to restore your yin-yang balance at the same time. 
What a bonus.

SUPREME COURT

Members of the public are allowed to sit and watch court proceedings, in the interest of justice and fair trial. But you have to be as quiet as a mouse in the viewing gallery, or the judge might give you the stink eye. For this reason, the courts are a great place to go to avoid children, who, as a species, can’t sit still or keep quiet. Okay, so real-life court cases aren’t exactly Law & Order, but if you’re lucky, the case that’s being heard might even be kind of entertaining. At least, it’ll be far less painful than Dora The Explorer reruns.

WOODLANDS TOWN GARDEN

Sure, this park has a reputation for unsavoury goings-on. But because of that, it was reported in a local newspaper that residents in the area have forbidden their kids from going there. That’s a strong indication that the coast will be clear of trundling toddlers and shrieking schoolchildren. You might have to fend off a bold proposition or two, but at least no one’s going to ask you to give them a cookie or take them to the bathroom, pronto. In fact, go ahead and add the Changi Village carpark and certain lorongs in Geylang to this list, too.

THE CASINO

What place could be more child-unfriendly than a den of vice? And, most practically, you must be 21 years old and above to enter — words that are music to the ears of any kiddophobe. ’Nuff said.