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Focus on the Family’s message is about language, not gender

Is there no truth at all to the gender stereotypes used by Focus on the Family Singapore? Was what it said of no value at all? (“Traditional gender roles sexist? Hardly” and “Gender stereotypes must be confronted”; Oct 10)

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Risa Tan Xuan Ying

Is there no truth at all to the gender stereotypes used by Focus on the Family Singapore? Was what it said of no value at all? (“Traditional gender roles sexist? Hardly” and “Gender stereotypes must be confronted”; Oct 10)

No doubt, what Ms Agatha Tan said about rape culture was right. Teaching guys that what a woman says may not be what she means, and so, when she says no to sex, she may mean yes, is wrong.

But there are some differences in the ways men and women communicate.As a 17-year-old female, I can say there is a modicum of truth to the statement that when a girl says “it’s nothing”, something is bothering her.

Is it so wrong to point out the art of subtlety when communicating with the opposite gender and give guys a hint that they should sometimes read between the lines?

There may be a few other hard truths: It is not exactly false that guys “don’t want a girlfriend who questions their opinions and argues with their decisions all the time”.

Both genders have egos and, regardless of gender, one probably does not want anyone to constantly doubt one’s judgment. The Focus on the Family booklet stated also that “guys need respect” and are “insecure”.

Can one really argue with the notion that it is not nice when a girl walks all over a guy? Is it not true that girls deserve sensitivity and that sensitivity must be mutual?

I get Ms Tan’s point that we should not tar everyone with the same brush. I also get it that gender is a spectrum of feminine and masculine traits that do not belong in a dichotomy; they transcend both genders.

But there is nothing wrong with teaching people to understand implicit meanings and not take words at face value. I would not take Focus on the Family’s presentation at face value either, but with a pinch of salt.

I may even laugh along because there is another stereotype we girls must break: That we are so high-maintenance, we cannot take a joke.

In fact, Focus on the Family’s message is not about gender, but about language: The difference between overt language and innuendo. It is a lesson about communication with everyone.

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