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The Jason Hahn Files: We Can Stop Pretending To Like Kanye West Now That He’s No Longer Married To Kim Kardashian

Jason and his pals decide to move on — and so should Kanye.

This world is divided into two groups: those who love Kim Kardashian, and everyone else.

There are no grey lines here. I found this out the day Barney Chen stopped speaking to his brother when Barney announced that the high point of his year was watching Kim get her bottom X-Rayed on Keeping Up with the Kardashians, so that it would prove to the world she didn’t have a butt implant. To which Jonathan replied that the Kardashians were a global cancer that would one day kill us all.

According to reliable eyewitnesses at the scene — ie, Saffy who’d thought she was just tagging along for a bowl of beef noodles, and Amanda who was angling to get Jonathan to ask her out on a date — Barney rose to his majestic six-foot-two mass of solid muscle and told Jonathan that while he could forgive many things, including Jonathan’s purple Crocs, this time, “You’ve crossed the line!” And then he stormed out of Maxwell Food Centre and never spoke to Jonathan again.

So total has been his devotion to the Armenian bombshell that when Kim started dating and eventually married Kanye West, Barney forced himself to download every one of Kanye’s albums and listen to it all. Which, when you realise he only ever listens to Barbra Streisand, Mariah Carey and Beyoncé, you’ll understand makes about as much sense as an episode of… well, the new Kanye West documentary, Jeen-yuhs.

A few days ago, he called Saffy if she’d watched the show.

Saffy, who was at the time shopping for lingerie at Victoria’s Secret, paused her inspection of a red lacy bra and frowned. “Barnes, you know you can stop pretending to like Kanye West right? They’re divorced and she’s legally single now…”

She heard Barney suck in his breath. “Okay, I’m going to tell you a secret and if you tell anyone, I’m going to strangle you with that red lacy bra you’re thinking about buying which, PS, I love!”

Saffy blinked and whirled around to find Barney standing not five metres from her.

“Are you stalking me in Victoria’s Secret, you sick pervert?!” she yelled at him, though she later confessed to us, it was the most flattering thing a man had done to her in a long time.

“You wish,” Barney told her. “I’m buying some, uh, stuff for a fancy dress party.” In his ham-sized paw, he clenched a bunch of lingerie, which Saffy later said made her wonder how Barney could possibly fit into anything that Victoria’s Secret made. “Stalking is when I make a video of burying your new boyfriend in the dirt!”

It says something about Saffy that she immediately understood the reference. Her bosom inflated two sizes. “Oh. My. God. How sick is that ‘Eazy’ video?”

“Girrrrrl!” Barney growled in reply.

“It just goes to show,” Saffy said. “You think you know someone. You marry him, have four children with him, split up with him, and then he’s slagging you all over social media! Really, what’s that all about?”

Which, apparently, was a question that had been haunting Barney since news broke about the Kimye split last year. Where had it all gone so wrong? And after all his efforts to memorise the devilishly complex lyrics to ‘Donda’. And so when the Jeen-yus documentary landed on Netflix, he thought he might find the answers there.

But four hours and three episodes later, he was still scratching his head. “Did you know,” he told Saffy in the middle of the bra section of Victoria’s Secret, “there is nothing in that entire show about Kim? I think there may have been a split second shot of her, but that’s it! How do you make a documentary of someone’s life and not mention the woman he’s been dating and married to since 2012!”

“Completely messed up!” Saffy announced, shaking her head. “Poor Kim!”

“Poor Ye!” Barney sighed.

Saffy blinked. “Wait, what?”

Barney turned pink. “Okay, that’s my secret that you can’t tell anyone! But after all these years of trying to like Kanye because he, you know, married the love of my life, I’ve actually developed, well, a soft spot for him!”

Saffy later said if you’d told her Oprah was her biological mother, she would not have been more shocked. “I mean, hasn’t that poor woman gone through enough? A sex tape, being tied up in a bathtub and robbed, the debacle of Kimono, and now she’s stalked by her ex-husband and his fans! And he’s got a soft spot of someone who can’t even decide on his name, much less how to spell it?!”

Amanda shrugged. “Ordinarily, I wouldn’t admit this in public either, but I’ve got to say I think he’s kind of hot! I just don’t see what Kim sees in that Pete Davidson!”

As Saffy said to me much later, “Really, you think you know someone…”

Photo: TPG News/Click Photos

 

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Stream it Kanye West Kim Kardashian Jeen-yuhs: A Kanye Trilogy Netflix

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