The Big Read in short: Are S’porean singles too picky? The reality is more complicated

Each week, TODAY’s long-running Big Read series delves into trends and issues that matter. This week, we look at why despite the rise of online dating, which has helped time-starved singles meet new people more easily, many Singaporeans are getting hitched later. This is a shortened version of the full feature, which can be found here.

• Rise of online dating has helped time-starved S’porean singles meet new people more easily
• With socialising disrupted by Covid-19, online dating has become an even greater boon for singles
• Despite actively dating, the age at which S’poreans get hitched continues to rise
• Experts said that singles simply have too many options, making it harder to decide who to marry
• There also remains a small group who hope to meet their partner by “fate”

 

SINGAPORE — In January, Mr Alan Wong hit it off with a “pleasant-looking girl” he started texting on dating application Coffee Meets Bagel.

However, their first meeting over dinner at a Japanese restaurant was peppered with awkward silences. Mr Wong, a 26-year-old civil servant, was also put off by the fact that she “looked way different in real life”.

That was the last they met.

A less than satisfying first encounter with a date such as Mr Wong’s is not unusual with the rise of online dating, which has helped time-starved Singaporean singles meet new people more easily.

In recent months, with socialising disrupted by the Covid-19 pandemic, online dating has become an even greater boon for singles ready to mingle.

Mr Aqil Hamzah, 23, a second-year student at Nanyang Technological University (NTU), had to serve his two-week stay-home notice (SHN) after returning from the United States where he was on a student exchange in March.

Before he had time to step outdoors, Singapore entered the circuit breaker, which lasted from April 7 to June 1.

Throughout this period, he relied on dating apps such as Tinder and Bumble to chat with other singles.

He texted a dozen girls over a span of four months, and eventually hit it off with one, whom he could “click well with over text”.

They finally met up for lunch and a visit to the National Museum in July.

Unlike Mr Wong, Mr Aqil said that he enjoyed talking to his date on topics ranging from politics to school. They have made plans for a second date.

For the likes of the duo, the search for the perfect date — and perhaps “The One” — continues, Covid-19 or not. But whether they will settle down soon enough is a different question altogether.

A survey conducted by the National Population and Talent Division (NPTD) from July to August last year found that more than half of single respondents went on dates at least once a week.

More than 800 people, with over half of them being singles, responded to the survey which looked at attitudes towards dating in Singapore.

Despite having more opportunities to meet people, the age at which Singaporeans are getting hitched continues to rise, based on latest statistics which were released earlier this week.

In 2019, the median age of first-time grooms was 30.4, up from 30.2 in 2018. For first-time brides, the median age was 28.8, up from 28.5 in 2018.

A decade ago, in 2009, the median ages of first-time grooms and first-time brides were 29.8 and 27.5, respectively.

Singles aged between 20 and 35 interviewed by TODAY said they were dating actively and going on dates as frequently as once every two weeks. However, these dates usually fell short of their expectations and did not progress to any long-term relationship.

Has the luxury of choice led to even higher expectations when looking for a life partner? The reality is more complicated. 

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‘IT’S ALL ABOUT CHEMISTRY’

Ms Darshini, a 30-year-old manager in the tourism and heritage industry, said that she had gone on a string of dates with three different men within two months in early 2018. However, due to a lack of chemistry, none of them progressed beyond the first date.

“Chemistry” refers to a sense of commonality and familiarity which encourages people to develop their relationship further, said Professor Paulin Tay Straughan, a sociologist at the Singapore Management University (SMU).

She noted that “chemistry” largely depends on what one is attracted to in a partner, such as physical looks or the ability to confide in each other.

Biological anthropologist and chief scientific adviser to online dating website Match.com Helen Fisher — who wrote the 2004 book Why we love: The Nature and Chemistry of Romantic Love — noted that the romantic “chemistry” is caused by chemicals generated in the brain which create a sense of attraction to another.

The singles interviewed used more intangible terms to describe “chemistry”, with most pointing to good conversation as the foundation of a good first date.

Mr Matthew Lim, a 31-year-old communications executive, said: “Generally, if the other person is easygoing and someone I can banter with, I wouldn’t mind spending time with her.”

Several others added that they would consider progressing from a first to second date if the other party had an interesting personality or seemed to have compatible views, among other things.

Some dating experts have a more rudimentary explanation: It all boils down to looks and physical attraction.

Ms Violet Lim, the co-founder of dating agency Lunch Actually, said that her agency can provide up to 70 per cent mutual matching in terms of what its clients are looking for in prospective dates.

But it cannot guarantee there would be “chemistry” on a first date since “it is about whether there is enough physical attraction to ask the other person out for a second date”, she said.

Prof Straughan pointed out that it takes time to build chemistry, with people growing more comfortable with each other over time.

However, some singles beg to differ. To them, it is important to hit it off from the start for them to commit long-term to someone.

Pointing to her past dating experiences, Ms Darshini said: “I know it’s not impossible (to find someone I have chemistry with).... it’s just that I need to try harder.”

EAGER TO GET MARRIED BUT WAITING FOR ‘THE ONE’

With dates easier to come by through dating apps, there is also less of an urgency to choose a partner, said Lunch Actually’s Ms Lim.

The knock-on effect is that Singaporeans are getting hitched later.

According to the Singapore Department of Statistics, fewer people had also gotten married last year. There were 25,434 marriages in 2019, about a 6 per cent drop from the year before.

While Singaporeans are marrying later and fewer are getting married, it appears that by and large, singles are still keen to settle down eventually.

A study released by the Institute of Policy Studies in 2013 found that among 2,000 Singapore citizens and permanent residents aged between 21 and 39 who had never married, a large group — about 70 per cent — still desired marriage and parenthood.

Young singles told TODAY that they are keen on getting married, with most saying that they are motivated to date seriously after watching their peers tie the knot. For some, however, looking for a life partner would have to wait until they achieve job and financial stability.

Mr Wong, for instance, said he is keen to get married within the next four years, partly because he wants to have children when he is younger so that he will have the energy to raise them. However, he has yet to meet “someone to share the joys of life with”.

If Singaporeans are dating more with the aim of getting married, why are they still taking so long to settle down and start a family?

Experts had previously attributed this delay to the fact that singles simply have too many options available to meet people, making it harder to decide who they want to spend the rest of their lives with. 

SMU’s Associate Professor of Psychology Norman Li, whose research interests include mate preferences and mate value, said that when it comes to a decision as major as deciding who to be with during one’s lifetime, a person must feel that he or she is making the best choice.

“Imagine going to a mall with hundreds of nice restaurants, each with a menu of hundreds of palatable food choices. It would surely take a lot longer to decide what to eat than if there were only a few restaurants each with only a few food choices,” he said.

However, some singles like Ms Darshini, who uses Tinder and Coffee Meets Bagel, disagree.

Despite having more options, Ms Darshini said she invests time — it can take several weeks — and energy into setting up a date.

“Having an option of going back to the app after a date is not really consoling because it took so long to get a date,” said Ms Darshini.

‘TOO TIRED TO DATE’

While a date is now just a swipe away, some singles said they are nevertheless simply too tired to date, with work and time with family and friends taking up most of their waking hours.

A public servant who wanted to be known only as Ms Rachel said that having just started a new job last October, she channels most of her energy into improving her competency at work.

“I’m too stressed with work, and I don’t have time to think about anything else, especially investing in a new relationship...I just look forward to sleeping in on the weekends,” said the 24-year-old, who has not been on a date since leaving university last year.

Several singles have also pressed the pause button in between several months of dating, as they find it emotionally draining.

LEAVING LOVE TO FATE

There also remains a small group of singles who have never dated, or are not actively dating.

This group includes those who believe that love should be found “organically”.

Ms Pooja, a 31-year-old civil servant who declined to give her full name, has never dated before and believes that she should meet her soulmate “through fate”.

Dating experts said that such “fatalistic” views of love do little to help bring singles closer to finding their potential partners.

Ms Lim of Lunch Actually pointed out that dating is essentially a “numbers game”, where one has to maximise the number of people he or she meets to secure dates.

Amid bad dates, lack of time and “being picky”, young singles interviewed remained optimistic that love is just around the corner for them.

While some admit that they are frustrated at the lack of results despite years of dating actively, their more positive dating experiences have nevertheless given them hope that they will eventually find someone.

This article is written in collaboration with Hello Love.