One silver lining of the Covid-19 pandemic is the increased attention society is starting to pay to mental health issues and their importance in our lives.

A rise in the acceptance of and emphasis on mental health issues is particularly noticeable in younger Singaporeans — millennials and Gen Zs — who are often at the forefront of advocacy and awareness-raising initiatives.   

While some from the older generations (i.e. Gen X and baby boomers) are becoming or have become more open to the subject of mental health, it remains a common occurrence that many young people feel dismissed or invalidated when trying to discuss such issues with their older family members and loved ones.

Complicating things further, despite mental health issues being on the rise among the elderly, a seeming lack of appreciation of their importance can often be observed when young people try to talk to their older family members and loved ones about potential signs of poor mental health in these older individuals. It’s not uncommon for young people to face strong resistance when they suggest that their older relatives talk about or even seek help for their mental health struggles.

Consequently, a deep intergenerational chasm has formed regarding discussions on mental health issues, with younger and older generations alike not knowing how to engage each other meaningfully in such conversations.

At its core, differences in how generations perceive and engage with most subjects — such as mental health — can be attributed to the types of life experiences people within each generation have had and the prevailing culture of their time.

An easy example is music: It’s relatively rare to find 60-something fans of Shigga Shay or The Sam Willows, or 20-something fans of Getai or Chinese opera. 

How, then can we approach intergenerational discussions on mental health issues in a more productive and impactful manner? Here are four things to keep in mind.

TAKE TIME TO PUT KINDNESS FIRST

Firstly, we should strive to maintain an open mind and adopt an attitude of kindness when communicating with people with different backgrounds and perspectives.

It is important that we try to assume the best in others, even when they do not respond in the way we want them to.

Avoid reacting immediately when we are triggered by something someone has said. Instead, take some time to let these emotions and thoughts settle before intentionally responding by consciously choosing to be kind, even if we do not receive the same consideration.

SEE THROUGH THEIR EYES

Our family members and loved ones of different generations have been shaped by a different set of values, norms and expectations, resulting in different worldviews. As such, it’s more helpful to approach tough conversations with an attitude of curiosity rather than one of conflict.

Take a moment to try and see where the other party may be coming from and their intentions. Consider using a thought-challenging exercise to look for alternate interpretations of the scenario.

For example, if someone dismisses something you have shared with them, think of possible reasons why they may have done so, seek third-party perspectives, and give them the benefit of the doubt. People may care but not know how to respond, especially when it comes to subjects they are not accustomed to discussing with others, which may make their reactions seem dismissive or invalidating.

BE PATIENT

Decades of life experiences, values, beliefs, and perspectives are difficult to change and may even be impossible if sufficient motivation or reason is absent. It will require many steps for even the smallest change to occur, but whenever it does, we should make the effort to recognise and acknowledge it.

Be patient and understand that such change takes time. Sometimes, while waiting on others to change, taking the first step and changing ourselves can have a powerful effect and help them do so more quickly.

For instance, if we want others to care more about us and what is happening in our daily lives, we also need to consider whether we have offered them the same level of care.

Similarly, if we expect the people around us to talk about mental health issues in a way that we agree with, we must begin by asking ourselves: Have we first taken the time to try and talk to them in a manner that is tailored for them?

If we know that some of our older family members and loved ones may not be comfortable with talking about mental health issues, non-direct approaches could work better in conveying our messages. Writing letters, texting, or even passing messages through a third party with whom we feel may value and be open to talking about these issues could help start and facilitate the conversation.

KNOW WHEN TO WALK AWAY

Lastly, while the steps and tips above are helpful tools and can help facilitate more effective conversations around mental health issues, it is equally important to recognise that there will be times when we may need to bite the bullet and walk away.

Endeavouring to foster a more conducive environment for mental health conversations is important — but sometimes, despite our best efforts, the people around us may be unwilling or unable to overcome decades of life experiences in order to change in the short term.

Hence, there may come a time when we need to enact effective relational boundaries in order to protect ourselves emotionally and psychologically.

It is crucial to be assertive but kind. We can start by letting our family members or loved ones know that we sincerely want to have genuine conversations about mental health with them, but it takes two hands to clap. If they cannot or do not want to meet us in the middle, it may be better not to talk about these issues altogether.

When we find we are no longer able to positively influence those in our surroundings, we may need to consider changing our surroundings to one that fits our needs better. In such cases, finding a community of people we can rely upon to have these conversations may be the best course of action.

Ultimately, differences in opinions, especially regarding mental health issues, should be embraced more and not shied away from. Stereotyping and stigmatising members of different generations for their views on such a pertinent topic only creates greater division and resentment.

Change is coming in how mental health issues are viewed and talked about, but it will take some time. Even so, there is no one ‘right’ way to talk about mental health issues; different people have different needs, and each one responds to different approaches in their own way.

For our own part, the best thing we can do is to work on being a person who seeks to listen and understand first, so the people around us feel safe to talk about their perspectives and opinions — even the ones that may diverge from ours.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR:

Dr Jonathan Kuek is a mental health researcher specialising in recovery approaches to the management and understanding of mental health conditions. He is also the co-founder of The Total Wellness Initiative Singapore, which seeks to encourage people to be more proactive with their well-being.