This festive season, let’s rethink what it means to give

Last week, with a tinge of disbelief, my niece whispered to me: “Did you know kids my age still write letters to Santa and expect gifts to magically appear?”

Her look of dismay and near eye roll was humourous, though it also provoked some worry. What caused a nine-year-old to lose an innocent belief in the jolly grandfather figure?

Or was her remark somehow sparked because good deeds seem to matter more at the end of the year, when Santa is said to deliver presents based on an assessment of our good and nefarious deeds?

It struck me that my niece’s fundamental concern was the latter and the inconsistency with which we value and make efforts to be especially kind at the end of the year. 

In December, we see charity efforts being ramped up — homes for the elderly and children are inundated with offers of parties and outings, and donation drives are rampant. 

The National Volunteer and Philanthropy Centre Individual Giving Survey 2018 shows that 52 per cent of donations for 2018 made on Giving.sg were made from October to December.

Many charities worry whether they will be able to make their annual budgets if they miss this wave, but perhaps there is a deeper question at hand. 

Instead of charities swinging from abundant feasts to famine and shoppers experiencing the panic of Christmas gift hunting, perhaps there is a wiser middle way for all.

Forgive the pun, but I think it begins with a fundamental rethink of the “Santa-mentality” of Christmas. The emphasis on gift-giving leaves many with shopping fatigue or possibly worse: A stack of irrelevant or unneeded items for regifting. 

The sheer number of events to attend and the abundance of food generates waste that we end up feeling guilty about, and the festivities often leave us exhausted at the start of the new year.

So how do we rethink what make good gifts and how we balance care and respect for ourselves and others?

GOOD GIFTS: TOWARDS RELATIONAL GIVING

For starters, if we are honest, most of us give for some gain. Whether to get some tax relief or buy the sticker “protection” on flag day, a good part of doing good lies in what’s in it for us. 

Such behavior doesn’t tend to create either a joy of giving or the satisfaction of knowing there was much impact. In contrast, good gifts are those which are intentional and personal. For example, for families with cancer survivors, a good gift can be in the form of supporting the cause with certain skills you time or giving time and volunteering to help those in need, instead of just a donation.

When giving nurtures relationships or helps put a personal value in action, we care more about the difference our giving makes to others. 

COMMIT THROUGH THE YEAR

In terms of charitable giving, consider spreading the efforts throughout the year to make it more sustainable. An annual reflection, pledge or re-affirmation of support for an adopted charity or cause can be renewed at the end of each year but the participation and contribution can be spread over the months. 

Some companies, community groups, or individuals choose to volunteer quarterly, monthly or even as needed for those with more ‘on-demand’ types of flexible schedules. 

Monthly donations on Giving.sg have progressively increased since its launch and more charities are seeking to build a regular base of support.

Birthday parties are also a beautiful way to affirm and celebrate life, especially for those whose birthdays are rarely celebrated, or for whom this birthday may be their last.

There are innumerable ways to give regularly through the year. 

GIVE TO MEET NEEDS

Another dimension of good gifting is to give what people want and need. 

Take the evolution of workplace benefits, for example. What started as a fixed set of benefits for everyone has since evolved to various types of leave which are flexible and suitable for people at different stages of life or with different priorities. Some may value time or money, others learning or flexibility. Good gifts satisfy the others’ needs first. 

This is especially so when it comes to charitable giving. Too often, caregivers at elderly homes are left with managing the upset tummies of residents who overindulge on foods brought by well-meaning volunteers, but feel too shy to express what they have to deal with. 

Volunteers can save everyone the embarrassment by simply asking what would be most appropriate to give. 

This entails a simple tweak to the golden rule “treat others as you would want to be treated” to “treat others as they would want to be treated”.

People often know their needs but are hesitant to express them for fear or being perceived as demanding or rude. 

But unnecessary suffering can be avoided by asking a few simple, others-centred questions such as “What do you most need?”, “What would be most helpful?”, “Is there anything else I should know?”

The festive season can be a time of great joy and thanksgiving or hype and fatigue. 

When we adopt a few simple shifts in our giving, not only do we reap greater joy for ourselves but also greater impact for others — and that in turn feeds a virtuous cycle that can turn an ordinary year into an extraordinary one. 

ABOUT THE AUTHOR:

Melissa Kwee is chief executive officer of the National Volunteer and Philanthropy Centre, a non-profit organisation promoting a giving culture in Singapore.