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The idiot’s guide on how to behave this Chinese New Year

I know some of my students dread Chinese New Year. It is meant to be a festival of positivity. However, in Asia, including Singapore, it’s more like the annual scrutiny/reflection of one’s purported “failures” in life.

Chinese New Year is meant to be a festival of positivity. However, in Asia, including Singapore, it’s more like the annual scrutiny/reflection of one’s purported “failures” in life, says the author.

Chinese New Year is meant to be a festival of positivity. However, in Asia, including Singapore, it’s more like the annual scrutiny/reflection of one’s purported “failures” in life, says the author.

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I know some of my students dread Chinese New Year.

“My mother will pinch me from under the table when someone asks me about my results,” one student, who scored Bs in his last examinations, told me. “The model answer would be to give a vague answer and just say I did okay, without giving details.”

One year, I simply deleted a friend from my Facebook because she could not stop asking about my marital status online and even attributed her nosiness to "wanting the best for me on my mother’s behalf”.  The atrocity.

Chinese New Year is meant to be a festival that ushers in the new. It is a festival of positivity. However, in Asia, including Singapore, it’s more like the annual scrutiny/reflection of one’s purported “failures” in life.

Relatives and acquaintances whom you meet once a year love to ask you so many personal questions they will make the Public Service Commission scholarship board pale in comparison.

If you are in school, they will ask about your grades. If you are single, they will ask about your love life. If you are married, they will ask when you are having a baby.

Just when you think you are safe from further probing because you had just given birth, they would ask when you are having another child. They may only stop asking when you are going to pass on. But who knows, that could be a question too: When are you going to go?

As a single turning 40 this year, I have a contentious relationship with Chinese New Year. Saying I hate the event is an understatement.

My rule of thumb is that if the probing questions are from relatives I am close to, see often and have a genuine relation with, I am more than happy to entertain them. I appreciate their care and concern.

However, at my age, I no longer “give face” to relatives I see only once a year and yet ask me personal questions simply because they are nosy.

Are you unconsciously one of those who like to probe mindlessly when you catch up with relatives and friends?

This Chinese New Year, before you shoot off your mouth, think about these questions:

1. If you are going to ask about someone’s grades, knowing very well they may be bad, consider what the family is going through.

The child could have talents elsewhere which are less academic and may be having a hard time justifying to his parents why he did not do well.

Your question is merely adding oil to fire. The parents could be handling a child with behavioural problems and are crying every night. Your question does not help them.

2. If you are asking someone about his love life, consider if he is nursing a bad break up recently that you do not know about.

If so, your question could reopen wounds. Also, if you are single yourself, you should be the last person to ask someone this. Have some self-reflection.

3. If you are asking someone whether he is going to propose to his girlfriend, ask only if you are willing to sponsor his wedding and donate to his “cause”.

He might have difficulties sustaining a married life and is holding his horses just so that he can save enough.

4. If you ask whether a couple is going to have a child, you are really asking if they are having sex.

Really? Is there where you want to go with your righteous “Asian values”?

Have you considered that perhaps they have always wanted a child but simply cannot have one due to physical constraints? They could have just had a miscarriage that you did not know about or perhaps they are working through marital difficulties.

They could simply have values and priorities different from you and do not see having a child as a top need. Your priority in life is not someone else’s.

5. If you are asking if someone is going to retire soon, have you considered the fact that the person is going through a mid-life crisis and dreads retiring because his career has been his identity for the past 40 or 50 years? Or what if this person is facing retrenchment and is going through a tough patch?

In fact, before you ask anything at all, consider this: Would you like people to ask about your most dreaded topic?

Put in another way, how would you feel about the following questions: “Why isn’t your daughter in law visiting with you?”; “Why is your son not back from overseas?” and “Why are you so old and still alive?”

We love “selling” the fact that “Asian values” are superior in morality.

Well, then act with compassion. This Chinese New Year, show empathy by being more sensitive with your questions. More importantly, respect the fact that what you want may not be what others want.

There are people who do not want children and that should be okay. There is no need to remind them of their life choice.

There are students who don’t do well even after trying hard and that is okay. There is no need to remind them they didn’t excel in a pressure cooker environment.

This Chinese New Year, be the fabulous aunty and uncle who gives a fat red packet and shuts up after that.

In addition, there is no need for passive aggressive wishes such as: “With this red packet, I wish that you can get a wife next year.” You are not fairy godmother, so stop acting like one.

And lastly, besides probing questions, don’t go round saying things like “hey, you are fatter now” or “you look older”.

You probably don’t look as good yourself and others are in fact being courteous by not mentioning it.

Thus, please watch your mouth this Chinese New Year. The children do not need more pinches from under the table this holiday and should be happily getting hongbaos unconditionally.

 

ABOUT THE AUTHOR:

Lim Wei Yi is the co-founder of an education centre Study Room and teaches journalism at tertiary institutions.

Related topics

Chinese New Year family friends culture manners

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