Sharing on social media can help grieving hearts heal, say experts

SINGAPORE — After losing his younger brother to cancer last year, psychiatrist Adrian Wang found some solace on social media.

“What helped me (through the grieving process) was people leaving messages on my private Facebook account to say something nice about my brother. It helped a lot to know what he meant to them,” said Dr Wang, a consultant psychiatrist at Gleneagles Medical Centre.

Once a private affair, mourning those who have died has taken a new dimension with social media platforms like Instagram, Facebook, Twitter and Dayre.

Last month, the death of actor Aloysius Pang, who succumbed to injuries from a military training exercise, sparked an outpouring of grief online. His girlfriend, actress Jayley Woo, posted over 70 Instagram Stories overnight sharing pictures, videos and words, and continues to express online her sadness and longing for him. Others close to Pang did the same.

While some argue that going public makes it harder to move on or may even trivialise a death, experts said it can be a healthy way for those left behind to process grief.

While different people mourn and grieve differently, it is always better to express one’s feelings in some way, either verbally or online, said Dr Wang.

“A lot of people use social media to regulate their emotions. When they are angry, they may tweet something. Even (United States President) Donald Trump does that,” he said.

Ms Vyda S Chai, a clinical psychologist at Think Kids and Think Psychological Services, said social media provides “the here-and-now moment” to express one’s feelings and breaks down barriers of silence.

In Asian cultures where people tend to be more stoic, an online platform provides an avenue for the grieving party to process and clarify their feelings and sorrows, said Dr Wang. This can be in the form of a blog post, online memorandum or even engaging in a group discussion.

However, trolls are among the downsides to sharing your grief online.

“With verbal grieving, you can choose who you want to speak to in the room. Online, you make yourself vulnerable to a lot of keyboard warriors, people who pass unhelpful comments, criticise or even blame you, especially when your post is public. Even private posts can be screenshot and made public,” said Dr Wang.

For those sharing their grief online, know that “there will be haters who hate”, Dr Wang said.

“Deal with them the same way you deal with trolls – ignore them. Personally, I would limit grieving on social media to a private account because of the danger of trolling,” he said.

TYPICALLY 6 TO 12 MONTHS TO REACH ACCEPTANCE

Grief is a necessary, natural and healthy response to a personally painful or traumatic event, said Ms Chai.

As a person comes to terms with a loss, a series of emotions sets in. Based on Swiss-American psychiatrist Elisabeth Kubler-Ross’ model for grief, there are five stages but not everyone goes through the same process.

“We may experience a myriad of emotions, from shock or anger to disbelief, guilt and profound sadness. The pain of grief can affect physical well-being, making it difficult to sleep, eat, and one can be (too) overwhelmed with memories to think straight,” said Ms Chai.

But these emotions, she added, are normal reactions to significant loss.

“In order for a wound to heal, we must feel the pain,” said Ms Chai.

There is no telling how long the grief process may last, but most people typically take around six to 12 months to reach acceptance, said Dr Wang.

Most people gradually arrive at a “new normal”, said Ms Chai.

“It does not mean you’ve forgotten the person, but you no longer feel the intense pain. Instead of feeling sad all the time, you are able to reinvest your emotional energy to other things like enjoy your friendships, work and usual activities,” said Dr Wang.

Another sign to show that the person is gradually healing is that sadness is no longer of the same intensity.

“You will still feel sadness. Perhaps a familiar song may bring tears to your eyes. But you can also remember the good parts, the joy and meaning the person brought to your life,” said Dr Wang.

WHEN TO SEEK HELP

Grief that lingers for more than 12 months is considered “prolonged grief”, said Dr Wang.

People who had a close, intense relationship with the deceased, or feel guilty or responsible towards the person’s death, have a higher risk of experiencing this debilitating form of grief, he said.

Certain types of relationships, such as a parent who loses his or her child, may be more prone to prolonged grief.

Prolonged grief can affect the way a person functions. For instance, he or she may not be able to go to work, and may become isolated, said Ms Chai.

Behaviour like isolation, self-blame, lack of sleep and poor appetite that lasts more than four to six months without improvements may lead to complicated grief and depression, she added.

Individuals should seek professional help if the symptoms are very intense and/or if they have suicidal or homicidal thoughts, said Dr Wang.

DON’T DOWNPLAY OTHERS’ GRIEF

When supporting family or friends who are grieving, people should mindful of what they say and not be quick to offer advice – it is not helpful to minimise grief by telling the person to “move on”, “put this behind” or “time heals all wounds”, said the experts.

“Allow your loved one to gradually move through the process. Nothing can replace their loss. (Saying) less is actually better; emphathise instead of judge. It is okay to tell them you are sorry about their loss but sometimes, being quietly present and available is paramount,” said Ms Chai.

One way to lend support is to offer a listening ear and extend help in practical ways.

“For example, asking gently if they need anything (such as meals or the running of errands) can go a long way. Visit them often and ask if they would like to meet up with close family and friends for meals,” said Ms Chai.

Offering kind words of encouragement, even if the griever does not respond to messages, helps too, said Dr Wang.

Encouraging participation in bereavement rituals such as prayers, and doing things to remember to deceased, aid the grief process, he added.

For Dr Wang, honouring and practising the good values that his late brother held dear have helped with the healing.

“My brother was a principled person who always stuck to his guns and was uncompromising in his values. I try to remember him by doing things that he would have done,” he said.