NEW YORK — Why is it so hard to apologise? Saying you’re sorry involves vulnerability, said Ms Lisa Leopold, a researcher who studies apologies.

“We also have to admit our own wrongdoing, our own failings,” she added, “and that requires tremendous humility.” The ingredients of a successful apology can vary, but here are some that many experts agree on.

EXPRESS REGRET. Don’t say “I want to apologise,” or “I would like to apologise,” Ms Leopold said. “A lot of people use that language,” she said, but expressing a desire isn’t as effective as apologising.

Instead, say “I apologise,” or “I’m sorry.” Using an “I” statement also strengthens your apology by taking responsibility, she said.

EXPLAIN — BUT KEEP IT BRIEF. Being specific about what you’ve done can make the other person feel understood, said Dr Beth Polin, an associate professor of management at Eastern Kentucky University.

But keep it sincere and short. Skip justifications and excuses, she said, because an apology “should not be to make us feel better or defend our actions.”

ACKNOWLEDGE ANY HARM YOU’VE CAUSED. Dr Polin has found in her research that taking ownership is one of the most vital parts of an apology. “We really do care about someone admitting their wrongdoing,” she said.

And while it’s tempting to say that you didn’t mean any harm, Ms Leopold suggested keeping your intentions to yourself. “People don’t want to hear these justifications,” she said, “because it weakens the responsibility.”

SAY YOU’LL TRY NOT TO DO IT AGAIN. Reassure the person that you’ll do your best not to repeat the offense, Dr Polin said, adding that this “builds back trust and confidence.”

OFFER TO REPAIR. Pairing an apology with a vow to correct the wrongdoing is more likely to lead to forgiveness than the statement alone, Ms Leopold said.

Be specific about how you’re going to make it up to the person, Dr Polin said, adding that you can ask them for suggestions.

ASK FOR FORGIVENESS (BUT LET GO OF EXPECTATIONS). The final step, said Dr Polin, is a gentle request for forgiveness. She recommended asking a collaborative question like, “How can we get back to where we were before this happened?”

Doing so “invites the other person into that trust-repair process,” she said.

This article originally appeared in The New York Times.