NEW YORK — In Mr Scott Walker’s 15 years as a kidnap negotiator, he learned how to get his message across quickly, calmly and efficiently. “If I messed up, people could die,” said Mr Walker, a former Scotland Yard detective who has helped resolve hundreds of cases.

While asking for a raise, establishing your teen’s curfew or coordinating a visit from the in-laws might not be quite as fraught, tough conversations can still inspire dread.

He shared his best strategies to reach a compromise during high-stress situations.

TAP INTO YOUR ‘RED CENTER'. First, establish what Mr Walker’s crisis team called a “red center”. In kidnapping cases, it’s a physical command center, but in everyday negotiations, it’s a state of mind.

Jitters and fears can be contagious, he said. Before your conversations, practice deep breathing or anything else that makes you feel centered. Then ask yourself: What do I fear losing the most in this situation?

This will increase self-awareness and help you manage any surprise emotions.

PAY ATTENTION TO YOUR TONE. “You always want to approach a negotiation in a friendly, calm manner,” Mr Walker said, because the way you speak can make or break a deal. He prefers communicating face-to-face, over the phone or on video, rather than via email or text, which can be misconstrued.

CLARITY IS POWER. While negotiating, we are often led by a need to control, which is a mistake, he said. Leave your ego at the door.

To gain someone’s cooperation, you have to understand their point of view, beliefs and values by being curious and empathetic.

Unless they feel understood, “there’s always going to be a bit of pushback", he said.

Ask open-ended questions and reflect back the person’s answers.

TAKE A BREAK. If things stall, Mr Walker takes a quick break and asks himself: What can or can’t I control right now? What am I not seeing here? What opportunity am I missing?

Those questions, he said, shift our attention from what has gone wrong to what still has the potential to go right. Then, he gets back in there.

This article originally appeared in The New York Times.