Dear As-Yet-Unnamed Royal Baby,

Welcome to the world. You’ve only been properly alive for a few hours, and we haven’t actually met yet, but I must admit I already know a couple things about you. I know for example that you are a boy and that you currently weigh eight pounds, six ounces, which makes you Britain’s heaviest King-to-be in 100 years.

When you grow up in a few years, you’ll probably attend either Eton College like your father William and uncle Harry, or, alas, Gordonstoun School in Scotland like your great-grandfather Philip, grandfather Charles and other not-so-important aristocratic types. Also, it won’t quite matter how well you do in school, because you already have a pretty decent, well-paying job lined up for you. And let’s just say, it will have its perks.

Unfortunately, judging by the number of years your grandfather’s spent milling around, you’ll have a bit of a wait before you take over as King of the United Kingdom and other Commonwealth realms. And as a fellow monarch — yes, I rule only my bedroom, while you will one day rule over a considerably larger area, but hey, the same principles apply — I find myself compelled to share some survival tips with you. After all, it’s the horrifying age of the Interwebs and smartphone cameras, and you’ll need some help if you want to grow up unscathed. Here’s hoping it’ll spare you some of the pain your silly uncle Harry has had to suffer:

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NAMES: You’re fortunate, because it looks like all your future subjects already love you, even though you probably look about as princely as a naked mole rat right now. It doesn’t quite matter what your official name will be — George, James, Philip, or some other fuddy duddy royal name. Just choose a cute nickname, like your dad’s Wombat, and everyone will want to cuddle you. That is if they don’t already want to marry you.

HAIR: You already know who your father is. So please, do something to preserve that healthy crop of hair, before it’s all gone.

RELATIVES: Don’t waste your time with aunts Toilet-Seat-Hat Beatrice and Eugenie. Do hang out, instead, with your cool uncle Harry, preferably at parties with fully-clothed attendees (if there are cameras involved). After all, you may need him to take your job, in the event that your parents don’t produce another option/child and you decide to marry an American (gasp!) divorcee like your great-great-granduncle King Edward VIII.

GENES: Here’s hoping you’ll inherit Grandma Diana’s amazing genes. But if you end up looking more like Granddad Charles … then do invest more time cultivating a sparkling personality.

CAMILLA: Yikes, we almost forgot, you have another grandmother — Camilla. It’ll probably be difficult not to cringe when she holds you, but do at least try to endure it like a prince.

GREAT-GRANDMA: Granddad Charles might not agree, but we hope you’ll have many more years with your kick-a** great-grandmother, Elizabeth II. Do try these conversation topics, if you find the 87-year age gap too awkward:

1. Corgis — short legs good, long legs bad. Discuss.

2. Matching hats for every occasion.

3. Making Inconsequential Small Talk with Commoners 101.

4. How to get rid of annoying relatives (*cough* Fergie).

5. Balancing Act: Wear the crown, sans the headache.

FRIENDS/FUTURE ROYAL CONSORT: Just six simple words – Harper Beckham YES, North West NO.

Sincerely,

JY