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The Jason Hahn Files: Ryan Gosling Is The Perfect ‘Do And Marry’ Guy In The Gray Man

For some folks, the best thing about The Gray Man is Ryan Gosling's beard. 

As a child, I loved going to the supermarket. Just the idea of all that food gathered under one roof made me so happy. And from the perspective of someone barely three feet tall, it really did seem as if it was a world with walls that stretched up high into the sky, filled with endless shelves of incredible things to eat — some familiar (I loved Cheezels) and others not (the Japanese snacks always defeated me).

Once when we were waiting in the check-out line, Mother bent down and whispered into my ear, “You can tell a lot about a person from the things they have in their trolley.”

I blinked and looked around me. 

“The woman in front of us?” Mother continued. “One carrot, a small yoghurt, three bananas, and four frozen TV dinners. She’s single.”

I stared at the woman and imagined her sitting in front of her TV later that evening, with a hot TV dinner in front of her and a banana for dessert. I felt instant pity.

“And that sad-looking man over there? Steak, salad cream, beer and toilet cleaner? Recently divorced.”

I was impressed. And over the years, I too always look around me at the check-out line and speculate about the private lives of the shoppers based on the contents of their shopping baskets.

Saffy and Amanda do something similar, except they only inspect the baskets and trolleys of men and from there, they decide whether they would ‘Do, Dump or Marry’ the guy. 

“Caviar?” Saffy once murmured as she surveyed the basket in front of her at Cold Storage. “Marry.”

“Craft beer…Do,” Amanda said after having looked at the hot guy behind her.

“Oooh, processed cheese,” Saffy said, nodding her head at the guy two rows away. 

“Dump,” both girls decided at the same time. 

“Wah, you two very free, hor?” Sharyn said, pushing her thick glasses up her nose. 

“It’s better than a PCR test, Shazz,” Saffy told her. “It’s, like, completely 100% accurate. That’s why Roberta ended up marrying Daniel. She loved the fact that he always had kombucha and brie in his basket.”

“And why Karen divorced Peter,” Amanda said as they shuffled forward in the line. “She told him to buy toilet paper and he came home with the cheap, scratchy stuff and that, on top of the fact that he had such bad breath and told her she looked fat in her Diane Von Furstenburg wrap, did it.”

“Men are such pigs,” Saffy said. 

“Except Ryan Gosling,” Amanda said. 

In the middle of the line for counter 5, Saffy’s bosom inflated to a dangerous volume. “Oh, totally! That guy is a Do and Marry.”

“Hah?” Sharyn said. “Can Do and Marry, meh? I tot can only have one?”

“The Do and Marry Man is extremely rare,” Amanda said. “But he does exist. And Ryan Gosling is a Do and Marry man. Have you seen him in his new movie, The Gray Man? We’ve been waiting for it to drop since forever. God, why is this line taking forever?”

Later that night, as the girls watched the extremely rare Do and Marry Man race over the top of a speeding tram that was crashing into a building in The Gray Man, they marvelled once again at the randomness of genetics that went into creating a human being as perfect as Ryan Gosling. 

“My God, even the way he runs is sexy!” Saffy breathed.

“He’s got too much clothes on,” Amanda said. 

Saffy reached for another handful of popcorn. “Well, that goes without saying.”

“Look at that, he’s not even out of breath! He just jumped off a crashing train onto the speeding car and he’s not out of breath. God, he’s so hot, I can’t stand it. I think if I ever met him in person, my ovaries would explode.”

“Tell it. I used to think Chris Evans was cute, but this movie is not doing him any favours, lemme tell ya,” Saffy mumbled through a mouthful of popcorn.

“I think it’s the moustache,” Amanda decided. “Nobody looks good in a moustache. Meanwhile, Ryan Gosling is really rocking his beard!”

“You know what this movie is missing?” Saffy asked. 

“A good plot?” Amanda replied.

“Wow, harsh, but I take your point. I don’t understand why they need to be ping-ponging all over the world like this! No, a nude scene!” Saffy exclaimed. “That’s what this movie is really missing!”

But what actually got the girls in the end was Do and Marry Man’s tenderly sweet relationship with the movie’s little girl. As Amanda put it, the man got stabbed and sliced up just to protect her from Chris Evan’s hideous moustache. And all without showing much more emotion than a grimace. 

“Imagine having him as your father…” Saffy sighed in longing tones.

“Hot Daddy!” Amanda said as she carefully crossed and uncrossed her legs. “The rarest sub-species of Do and Marry Man.”

The Gray Man is now on Netflix.

Photo: TPG News/Click Photos

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