Three years ago, I wrote a commentary about my journey as a stay-at-home dad, including both the drudgery and the delight of watching up close my sons’ growth and development.

Who knew that commentary would trigger a series of events with far greater ripple effects than I could have ever imagined?

Back then in June 2021, Dr Tam Wai Jia wrote a follow-up piece to mine the very next week. In it, she championed the roles of stay-at-home dads like her husband and me, and our life-altering decision to be main caregivers to our kids. 

I didn’t know her at the time, but we later connected over social media. I soon got to know her husband as well, whom I started meeting up with every month to talk candidly about the ups and downs of our journeys as stay-at-home dads. 

After commiserating together for nearly two years, we had our very first expanded meeting in March 2023 where four more stay-at-home dads showed up to chat with us about their parenting experience.

This fledgling community has now grown to over 45 members, and was even briefly featured in a CNA documentary in February this year. 

To grow from six to over 45 members in 15 months is no mean feat for an organic, ground-up movement that started with just two fathers. 

ORDINARY DADS

When this community of stay-at-home dads first met, one of the first things I noticed was how we were all so different. 

Most were in their 30s and 40s, but we also had a few dads in their 50s (like me) and one over 60. 

Some were still working part-time or running their own business full-time from home, while others were taking a break from the rat race, with plans to return to full-time work soon. 

Despite these differences, it was clear each of us shared one thing in common: We prioritised family above everything else, and were focused on raising our kids the best way we could. 

It was also clear just how “ordinary” we were — which is why we call ourselves The Ordinary Dad.

In The Ordinary Dad, conversations often revolve around all things domestic and parenting: From best practices for potty training, to school and homework routines, to meals we prepare or home appliances we repair. 

We even talk about the best ways to control pest infestation, while simultaneously gushing over someone’s home aquarium or ant farm.

But, men being men, we also talk a lot about sports and games, politics, current affairs, and business. 

We uplift and spur one another on in our parenting journeys, in ways I have never experienced with other guys my age.

One dad told me about a memorable incident with his four-year-old, at his extended family celebration of Mother's Day last month. The boy, who usually pouts at large gatherings, suddenly greeted his mum with a jolly “Happy Mother's Day!” at the top of his lungs. This made everyone smile and his mother's heart melt, even after the little boy started wishing everyone in the room the same, including people who weren’t even mothers.  

In the days since, when the child misbehaves, this father now recalls that Mother's Day incident and is able to exchange annoyance for delight instead.

Another dad shared that one evening, as he was coaxing his three-year-old son to sleep, an impromptu conversation ensued, and soon he found himself chit-chatting with his son like never before. In that moment, it was as if his kid had transformed instantly from a toddler to a young man. 

This father found himself enjoying the moment so much, he forgot the frustrating day he’d just had as a stay-at-home dad. He shared with our community that he looked forward to more such conversations in the years ahead.

WHY OUR COMMUNITY EXISTS

What makes our little community work?

Firstly, we recognise our vulnerabilities as men who have stepped away from what’s still widely deemed to be a conventional fathering role — being the main breadwinner. 

Much of society views and treats us differently because of our counter-cultural choice to be stay-at-home fathers. 

If we were to suppress the vulnerabilities we have in this role, or even internalise for ourselves such societal prejudices, we run a greater emotional and relational risk to ourselves and our families. 

And so, instead of soldiering on by ourselves in isolation, we openly share our need for help with one another in our community.

We talk openly about our parenting struggles and how our children push us to the limits of our patience and tolerance. To this end, having a safe, non-judgmental space in which stay-at-home dads can commiserate helps in no small way.

Secondly, we are all journeying through the daily realities of being stay-at-home dads — and, to us, that journey is of equal if not greater value than the “destination” of raising kids well. 

While we do sometimes offer up practical solutions for each other’s issues, that’s not the raison d'etre for our community. For us, what often makes for a greater impact is simply being able to open up to other dads who can resonate with and value the experiences and empathies shared. 

In doing so, we are able to draw strength and comfort to get us through the most trying of days.

CONNECTING, SHARING, ENCOURAGING 

Though The Ordinary Dad meets once a month in person to chat and connect, our conversations don’t end there. 

Between these monthly meetings, we continue to communicate online as well as in smaller, breakout groups that meet voluntarily face-to-face, either because of shared interests and hobbies, or proximity in terms of where we live, or our kids’ ages — or just because we happen to click with each other.

These small-group exchanges happen organically, with no expectations, fixed routines or schedules. Our only desire is to connect, encourage each other, and share our lives.

Over the past 15 months, we have become important pillars and sources of comfort and hope for one another in this hectic world, especially when the parenting journey gets tough and we feel like we’re on the edge of losing our sanity. 

All in all, this group has been a masterclass for me, teaching me the importance of not walking difficult paths alone and the power of community to transform each of our lives for the better.

To all my fellow fathers out there, whether you’re a working dad or a stay-at-home one, here’s wishing you a Happy Father’s Day!

ABOUT THE AUTHOR:

Kelvin Seah Lee Nguon is a writer, stay-home father of two and adjunct lecturer. He blogs regularly on autism and parenting at www.kelvinseah.com.