Gen Y Speaks: Why I was back at work 2 days after becoming a first-time mum

I recently became a mother for the first time. My daughter was born on July 1.

I went back to work two days later because I run a small business that requires me to be extremely hands-on.

This is probably an unpopular opinion but I don’t want to just be a mother. 

I have many other priorities and am trying my best to cling onto the life I had before giving birth. Admittedly, I have not been very successful at that.

For many people, the pandemic is the new normal in 2020. For me, the new normal is motherhood. 

It takes over your whole life.

First, your unborn child demands that you control your diet and avoid strenuous exercise. Once your baby enters the world, she takes over your schedule and your entire life.

One recent night, I told my husband that I felt that I was losing myself. What exactly am I losing?

I’m not entirely sure either. Perhaps it is the freedom of not having a little one be entirely dependent on you.

You are often told that all these sacrifices are worth it when you look at your baby. But it doesn’t change the fact that your identity is no longer the same.

In the past month, 99 per cent of my Instagram stories are about my daughter. It used to be about the food I ate, work and my friends, among many other frivolous things that I enjoy. 

A montage of baby Fayth shortly after she was born on July 1 (left) and after turning one month old.  Photo courtesy of Christel Goh

MUM GUILT

I found out that I was pregnant two weeks after resigning from my part time job in marketing to focus on my public relations consultancy business and a social enterprise I had co-founded to help people age well.

My first thought? I won't let my baby affect my work.

Then a colleague shared how his parents were always working and his helper was the one who taught him how to shave.

That was how mum guilt hit me for the first time. My first thought about my child was that I did not want her to interfere with my work?

It made me rethink my priorities, which proved to be difficult as I have many.

My plan initially was to take two months of maternity leave. But running a start-up does not quite give me that luxury.

I had clients who initially wanted to launch products and services during my maternity period, and I felt torn between my baby and my business.

My mother told me to think carefully before taking up any projects during my maternity period. She said that I would always have work but the first few months with my baby is something I would never get back.

I decided to juggle both work and motherhood. I started working on the day that I was discharged from the hospital on July 3.

Yes, my baby’s first month is once in a lifetime. But I also have a whole lifetime of being a mother.

I know that this goes against every feel-good message about motherhood where you should treasure every moment with your little one as they grow so fast. All the more so for a first-time mum.

But I can’t bring myself to forego my business and social enterprise, not when I have spent the past couple of years painstakingly building them up.

More importantly, I felt physically fine, as I had a smooth, natural birth.

The author with her husband Kelvin celebrating their baby's one-month birthday.   Photo courtesy of Christel Goh

To me, being a mother also means financially providing for my child. I don’t think that it is fair to rely solely on my husband to bring in the dough when I’m able to contribute my fair share.

Furthermore, my business helps me grow as a person. Navigating the challenges that work poses is an important learning journey for me and not something that I would want to give up.

Covid-19 has forced many of us to work from home. Working from home has actually been helpful to me as a new mother as it means that all meetings are held online and I don’t have to leave home for events.

To be sure, I do not put in as many hours at work as before giving birth. It helped that I had  a confinement nanny to help in caring for my baby for a month.

I steal moments away from my computer to change a diaper or feed her whenever my confinement nanny was busy.

My baby is becoming much more curious of her surroundings and loves looking out of the window.

Sometimes, I hold her and watch her as she looks out the window. I know I would never get that moment back again.

ACCEPTING TRADE-OFFS

Since my baby arrived, I have lived in three-hour blocks where I have to pump milk every three hours to build up a supply to feed her.

This schedule extends into the night. In the morning, I would try to learn the ropes from my confinement nanny, whether it was bathing the baby or changing her diaper. 

I would then try to get some work done just before and after lunch. From time to time, my husband and I would take turns to watch the baby so our nanny could go to the market, cook or shower.

My husband has been extremely hands-on in helping to feed our daughter, change her diapers and bath her.

Now that my nanny has left, my mother-in-law who is a babysitter has stepped in to help us before we get a domestic helper. 

We count our blessings that we can rely on my baby’s grandmother to look after her.

But leaving your baby in the care of another person requires some form of letting go and not sweating the small stuff.

I know of mothers who get into arguments with their families or domestic helpers because of disagreements over how to care for the child.

In my opinion, this is a trade-off you have to accept. You can't expect to have full control over caring for your baby if you’re not doing everything yourself. 

In the grand scheme of things, does it matter how a baby is bathed or how many hours he or she sleeps as long as he or she is safe and well?

In the long term, I want to continue working and have time to myself. It means coming to terms with the fact that my daughter may spend more time with my domestic helper and may choose her over me when she needs attention.

When it comes to outsourcing the care of a loved one to another, we often say that we have no choice.

This is not true. Every decision we make is a choice. Some choices are more difficult than others.

At the end of the day, it’s hard to say which choices are better than others. I can only hope that I make the right choice.

Even if I don’t, I have a lifetime of choices ahead of me. 

ABOUT THE AUTHOR:

Christel Goh, 29, is founder of Grow Public Relations which specialises in public relations campaigns for start-ups and small- and medium-sized enterprises in Singapore. She is also a co-founder of PlayHuahee, a social enterprise aimed at helping seniors age well through games, activities and contents.