SINGAPORE – Becoming a parent is not easy, and being a step-parent brings on an extra set of challenges such as finding ways to relate to your step-children, and dealing with possible negative criticism from your step-children’s other parent.

However, this potential minefield does not have to be stressful for everyone involved. It can be a rewarding experience once parents and step-parents find their feet.

“Because there are more people involved, and often that includes children who didn’t ask to be put into the new arrangement”, Dr Natalie Games, a psychologist at Alliance Professional Counselling, said that step-families require time, more effort, patience and intelligence.

She said research shows the first two years are the most delicate, and there are usually a few stages involved – first, everyone is on their best behaviour (the ‘honeymoon period’), followed by a time where differences in expectations and day-to-day routines can cause confusion.

This stage could lead to conflict, during which, differences of opinions are expressed and family members may seem unhappy. If newly-merged families survive this, resolution and commitment to the new family emerges. A sense of belonging develops and defined roles become clearer in the family, Dr Games added.

While the role of step-parent differs in every family, there are certain issues they should not tackle, said Dr Games. For example, do not get involved in arguments between step-children and their parent.

“No matter how you feel about your partner’s ex, don’t get involved in any conflict between them,” said Dr Games. “Your role is better as an empathetic ear and source of support, not a friend or ally against their parent. Once the conflict is resolved, the child will still remember the negative comments you made and may find it difficult to trust you with their feelings again.”

Treat With Respect

Disciplining step-children is another no-go zone. Instead, discuss with your spouse and get on the same page.

“Even if you feel angry or frustrated with your stepchild, it’s best to keep your cool and walk away,” explained Dr Games. “Talk to your spouse and let them discuss the disagreement with their child.”

Resentment from children towards step-parents is a familiar scenario. Respect is an important factor here and Dr Games urged parents to be the adult in the situation and avoid confrontation.

“As you have made a commitment to the child’s parent, it’s in the interests of your relationship to be polite and courteous to his or her children,” she said. “Respect works both ways. Each biological parent has to talk to their own children and ensure that, even if they don’t like the new person in their life, they are expected to treat them with respect.”

How to handle step-children also depends on their age. For children under six, Dr Games advised starting slowly to build trust and honesty. For example, if your step-child is travelling between homes, give them their own space – their own room with their personal possessions.

“Ensure they feel part of the family and not a special guest – include them by giving them chores, asking them to share responsibilities, reviewing their homework, and attending parent-teacher conferences,” she added.

Children aged six to 12 are more aware of the implications for new relationships and remarriage and often begin a natural ‘grieving process’ if they believe the opportunity for their parents to reunite is fading. Dr Games pointed out that this process sometimes includes trying to sabotage a new marriage in the hope that their parent’s love will be rekindled. It is therefore important to give the situation time and space. Trial And Error

It is more challenging with children aged over 12, as this is a critical time of identity formation. Even if the divorce occurred many years before, a parent’s remarriage during a child’s teen years can trigger adjustment difficulties that may have cropped up during the divorce, said Dr Games.

“Generally, though, a successful second marriage helps to reduce, if not eliminate, children’s problems,” she added.

When editorial consultant Norman Sim, 42, and his wife were dating, they discussed his role in raising her two daughters (now aged 18 and 14) from her first marriage. They eventually decided he would be a co-parent, but also be aware that their biological father was still in their lives.

“Knowing how to speak and relate to children, especially girls, wasn’t easy or natural for me,” he confessed, adding that there were “mistakes made”, sometimes with arguments and “angry words”.

“It took some getting used to. Being able to take a step back at times, away from a tense situation, helps me better communicate with my step-children now.”

Lecturer Ken Yeow, 42, has been a step-father for 12 years and his parenting role was mapped out “through trial and error, discussion and mutual support”. He revealed that while he has never had to deal with any resentment from his now-18-year-old step-son, he tries “not to have any expectation of him reciprocating my efforts so that I will not have any disappointment”.