'It hurts so much': Parents of radicalised youths reveal heartbreak, regrets over children's extremist path

SINGAPORE — Boys will be boys, thought Rafeah when she saw her teenage son Aakeel watching violent war videos on YouTube with his sister's laptop one day. She thought nothing would come of it, and said nothing of it to her son as well.

Another time, she discovered that Aakeel had been collecting news articles on terrorist groups and pasting them inside his wardrobe door.

"When I confronted him, he claimed he had done so for fun. I immediately asked him to remove the article and advised him not to get involved with such terrorist groups... I trusted him to listen to me as he was already grown up," said Rafeah.

While she had told her son off then, it never crossed Rafeah's mind that he would really harbour aspirations to join a terrorist group overseas.

“I thought it was normal for boys at his age to watch such videos (about war). It did not cross my mind at that point in time to ask why he was watching them,” said the mother of three, who is in her late 40s.

"I did not pick-up these incidents as a sign that Aakeel (was being) slowly radicalised as my mind keeps thinking that he is such a timid, obedient and well-mannered boy."

Her rude shock came in 2017, when the Internal Security Department (ISD) issued Aakeel with a restriction order under the Internal Security Act (ISA).

As it turned out, Aakeel had done a lot more than just watching war footage.

Over a period of three years, he had memorised the songs by the Islamic State of Iraq and Syria (Isis), watched recordings of violent tactics such as the beheading of the terrorist group's enemies, and was drawn to images of the “cool” Isis fighters posing with their weapons.

Unbeknownst to Rafeah, the videos Aakeel watched placed him under the influence of Isis' radical propaganda, and the articles on his wardrobe served as reminders of his support of Isis.

By 2016, her son was already considering fighting alongside Isis in Syria or contemplating travel to Palestine to join the Hamas militant organisation, as Rafaeh would find out to her shock and disappointment.

Missing these signs of radicalisation and not seeking help for him early in his process remain Rafeah's biggest regrets, she told TODAY in an email interview.

Rafeah is one of three parents of formerly radicalised youths that are the first to publicly talk about their children's brushes with violent extremism from their perspective, and the role they play in the long rehabilitation process.

Their children were interviewed separately by Singapore media in a rare access granted by the Internal Security Department (ISD), following a spate of youth radicalisation cases recently.

To protect their identities, they have all been given pseudonyms while other information, such as their occupation and exact ages, has been concealed.

'IT HURTS SO MUCH'

Aakeel's restriction order came about three years after his self-radicalisation journey was sparked by the Israel-Palestine conflict. At the time, the teenager said he was emotionally affected by the plight of Muslims in Palestine.

"When stories of the Gaza conflict appear on the TV news, I remembered Aakeel expressed his sympathy towards the victims too," said Rafeah.

"I shared his sentiments as it was quite sad but I told him that it is other countries’ issues and not to be affected by it."

Little did she know that Aakeel would go online to search more about the conflict, only to end up being exposed to Isis propaganda.

“Being a mother, I was so saddened and shocked that Aakeel was being investigated by the authorities,” she said about her reaction when Aakeel was issued the restriction order.

“It hurts so much knowing your son was being investigated.”

Nonetheless, she said she was assured by ISD officers that her son would be well taken care of.

For another mother of a radicalised youth, Aishah, the hurt she felt was palpable as her son, Hamzah, was detained by the ISD for about two years.

Aishah said that she, too, was flabbergasted when she found out about her son's intentions to travel to Syria to join Isis. "I was totally shocked and was in disbelief. I was also very disappointed," she said.

“I was told by some of my relatives that in detention, the detainees would be mistreated and tortured,” she said, adding that she lost sleep over this.

However, like other families, Aishah was also given assurance by ISD officers, who explained the process of rehabilitation to her. Eventually, she realised that her initial worries were unfounded after she visited Hamzah during his detention.

REGRETTING MISSED RED FLAGS

Parents also spoke about their regrets for not spotting their children’s radicalisation any sooner.

Aishah said she did not see any changes in behaviour in her son Hamzah, even though he had watched more than 500 videos of extremist preachers and Isis propaganda.

She was totally blindsided when one day, he told her of his plans to travel to Syria to join Isis.

Aakeel’s mother, on the other hand, said the incidents with her son's YouTube habits and pasting Isis-related articles on his wardrobe door should have been red flags.

She told the media that her son had experienced bullying in school, and she did not believe he was capable of travelling to other countries to join terrorist groups.

In actuality, Aakeel would later describe these bullying incidents as one of the "stresses in life" that led him back to watching Isis videos and thinking about being an Isis fighter, after he had stopped watching such videos for a while at one point.

“He has never mentioned his intentions to travel overseas to join Isis. I did not notice any abrupt changes in his character that would arouse my suspicion that he is radicalised.”

Another former radicalised youth, Saad, told reporters how even though they were close, his family did not notice how he had become self-radicalised over a course of two years, as he did not tell them about his radical views.

His mother was one of the parents who had initially agreed to speak to the media, but pulled out at the eleventh hour.

Though seven years have passed since he was issued a restriction order, Saad could still recall how his mother took the news back then.

“Disappointed. Disappointed,” Saad said wistfully. His mother did not say much to him at the time and just cried, he recalled.

STRONG SUPPORT SYSTEM

One common thread running through the families who spoke to the media was how they were able to put aside their initial disappointment to focus on being supportive to their children in their paths to recovery.

While Aakeel's family was shocked by his radicalisation, Rafeah said they “slowly realised that the immediate aim was to make him understand that his intentions were wrong”. So, the family worked with ISD to help Aakeel shed his radical beliefs.

“Aakeel’s strongest support came from his eldest sister, whom he is particularly close to,” said the mother.

“She even encouraged and succeeded in getting Aakeel to enrol in a diploma course at her school, so that she could look out for him.”

Rafeah said the family constantly reminded Aakeel to comply with his restriction order conditions and encouraged him to "move on from his mistakes" and to treat restriction order regime in a positive light.

"After Aakeel was issued with the restriction order, our family has become more close-knit and we spend more time together, (doing things) such as playing games and watching Thai drama," she said.

Others involved in the journey such as the religious counsellor who guided Aakeel, as well as ISD aftercare officers who regularly checked on the family, also created a crucial support system for them, said Rafeah.

The officers also offered to link up the family with the Inter-Agency Aftercare Group (ACG) where necessary.

ACG is a voluntary community group that was established in 2002 to complement the rehabilitation programme for detainees by providing support to their families.

“Our aim is to ensure that the family remains stable and functional, and their daily lives and education are not disrupted, so that the detainees can focus on their rehabilitation process,” said Mdm Zaleha Ahmad, the centre director at AMP Marriage Hub who has been with ACG since 2002. AMP is a non-profit organisation serving the Muslim community.

Each family is offered assistance tailored to their specific needs.

For example, Hamzah was provided with a laptop as he was planning to enrol into a polytechnic after he was released. 

“By supporting him in his education journey, we hope that he will excel in school and be gainfully employed after he graduates,” Mdm Zaleha said.

ACG workers also become listening ears to such families, with hopes that “through this act of service and engagement, the family will feel supported and there will not be future recurrence of radicalisation”, she added. 

Reflecting on his own journey to recovery, Saad had this to say to families and friends of radicalised individuals: "Believe in them, support them, because they're really struggling to move on from their mistake.

"They need a good vibe, a good environment to move on. For me, my good environment is my family, my good friends that I can rely on. And also my officers."   

APPROACHABILITY TO YOUTHS IS KEY: COUNSELLOR

Families and religious counsellors who spoke to TODAY also stressed on the importance of family to stem the spread of extreme ideologies and in helping the rehabilitation process should a youth become radicalised.

Ustaz Ziyaudeen Ahmed Sirajuddeen, a religious counsellor who helped Aakeel, said that to counter religious extremism, it is important for families to impart proper religious knowledge to their children from an early stage.

“It's either you give them the right one or they will get themselves the wrong one,” said Ustaz Ziyaudeen, who is also a PhD student at the S Rajaratnam School of International Studies.

He then stressed on the importance of parents being aware of what their children are up to. This, he said, could only be done if parents keep themselves approachable to their kids and develop a strong relationship with them.

Similarly, others like teachers and even members of the Religious Rehabilitation Group, of which he is a part of, need to be approachable to youths, too. 

This is so that youths burdened with doubts on their minds would feel comfortable to approach these safe channels to seek knowledge and information, instead of navigating the online space on their own and risk being exposed to dangerous content.

As for Rafeah, she is thankful that her son emerged unharmed. She said she saw positive developments in Aakeel after the episode, describing him now to be more matured and responsible.

She regretted not being able to pick up his early signs of radicalisation and get him help at an earlier stage.

“My first advice for parents is not to be ashamed of what had happened and learn to move on by fully cooperating with the authorities,” she said. 

“The most important thing is to save your loved ones before it is too late.”