NEW YORK — Envy, the feeling you get when you perceive that someone is better off than you, is something many of us can recognise. And while the green-eyed monster can stir up feelings like resentment or defeat, it can be motivating, too.

So how do we make the tendency to “compare and despair” work for us? I asked experts for advice.

ACKNOWLEDGE IT. If you feel a surge of envy, first, own up to it, said Dr Robert Leahy, director of the American Institute for Cognitive Therapy and a professor of psychology at Weill Cornell Medical College.

“Making room for envy and noticing when it shows up allows people not to be afraid of it.”

It’s OK if you envy a friend, Dr Leahy said. Your emotions are likely more complex. “You can think, I love my friend, I appreciate what they do for me and their good qualities, and I envy them,” he said.

“You don’t have to reduce your thoughts or emotions about a person to envy.”

Don’t react to envy impulsively, said Dr Manuel Gonzalez, an assistant professor of psychology at Montclair State University.

Instead, explore what you are fixating on when you feel envious, he said. What issues does it bring up in your own life?

Use that information to clarify your own desires and ambitions, Dr Gonzalez said. Then ask yourself: Why do I envy this person? How can I use this person as a role model? What can I learn that can change my own situation?

OFFSET ENVY BY CULTIVATING GRATITUDE. You can combat envious feelings by practicing gratitude, “since it is hard to simultaneously be in both states at once,” said Dr Christine Harris, a professor of psychology at the University of California San Diego.

When you are overcome with envy, she said, list all of the things that you appreciate in your own life. (You can write it down if it helps.)

“Envy empties you out, gratitude fills you up,” Dr Leahy added.

And take comfort that envy may diminish over time, Dr Harris said. Her research has found that young adults are more envious than older adults.

But if envy is making you depressed, angry, overwhelmed or leading you to avoid people, then it might be helpful to seek counseling, Dr Leahy said.

This article originally appeared in The New York Times.