Don't be lonely this Chinese New Year

Singaporeans mark Chinese New Year each year with festivities and gatherings, and this year’s long weekend holidays mean more time for us to catch up with loved ones and friends.

Despite the flurry of activities, this is also the time when feelings of loneliness can intensify as the disparity between what we have and what we want in social relationships becomes more obvious. 

Even if you are surrounded by people, you may feel detached from your family and friends both socially and emotionally. As your feelings of loneliness deepen, you may also feel other emotions such as sadness, shame, disappointment, rejection and isolation.

You are not alone. In Singapore, a study in 2017 by the National Healthcare Group found that loneliness affected about six in every 100 people in Singapore, with a higher prevalence among young adults and seniors.

Globally, loneliness has been labelled as an epidemic in the United States, and a Loneliness Commission has been established in the United Kingdom to raise awareness of loneliness in the UK, and to encourage a government-led strategy to alleviate it. 

Loneliness has been associated with increased risk of physical and mental health issues including poorer sleep, dementia, depression, anxiety, heart disease, increased mortality rates, as well as social issues like unemployment.

So how can we deal with loneliness and stay connected with others? Here are some tips:

1.     Self-reflect

First, accept that loneliness is a temporary state that you can control and change. This involves taking time to understand possible reasons for your loneliness so that you can find ways to counter them.

For example, if a relationship is causing you to feel lonely, you may reflect on whether you wish to continue with the relationship or move on from it. If you opt to stay in the relationship, you would be able to better accept the difficulties that come with it and address them.

At the same time, as you reflect, you can consider other perspectives to your thoughts of loneliness.

I was involved in a case regarding an old woman who realised that she had strong negative beliefs towards relationships. Her mantras included: “The world does not accept me” and “others cannot be trusted” and “I am not loved”.

By reframing them to more balanced views, such as "there are some people in this world I can trust” and “I am appreciated by most people”, she was then more accepting towards building relationships with people.

2.     Initiate contact

Try to reduce your loneliness by reaching out to people. You can consider attending the Chinese New Year celebrations in your neighbourhood to get to know your neighbours.

Or, you can start new hobbies or return to activities that you used to do and meet people who share similar interests, values or ideas.

You can also try different avenues to meet more people to increase your chances of finding like-minded and supportive people. For example, if you find meaning in helping others, try volunteering. You can get to meet more people and focus on the good that you are doing instead of your loneliness.

3.     Maintain relationships

Building relationships takes effort and involves opening up to others. You can start by sharing your views on recent local and global events before progressing to share more about yourself.

In doing so, be mindful of other people’s feelings.

I once counselled a young man who used to be too eager to progress quickly and deeply in relationships, which pushed many away from him.

By learning to slow down and match the pace of others through keeping in touch, initiating meet-ups and giving the other party space, he was able to successfully sustain his new relationships.

4.     Use technology to your advantage

The advent of technology and social media has been reported to increase feelings of loneliness, such as when one sees social media posts of friends hanging out together without you. Some of us have also become used to “liking” our friends’ Instagram posts instead of telling them in person.  

Instead of allowing technology to replace interactions, you can use it to complement relationships instead.

For example, you can use content on social media to kick-start conversations. Go beyond “likes” and share your thoughts on what you think of the story that your friend reposted.

Many of my more introverted clients have used this strategy to connect with their peers. It is the quality of the conversation that matters.

Nonetheless, if you struggle to engage on social media, you may find it helpful to disconnect from social media and engage in the real world for stronger connectedness.

Apart from social media, messaging applications like WhatsApp and Telegram allow us to keep in contact with loved ones, especially during busier periods.

5.     Be kind to yourself

We all face challenges in building relationships. Recognising this would help you to be kinder to yourself.

Give yourself time to experiment, make mistakes, learn from them and improve the relationships that you are building.

You can start small by initiating interactions and enjoying the process of building relationships. Even if you have a small social support network, you can always navigate through new terrain by trying different things with them.

Along the way, you may face difficulties but do try again. If you persevere, you can reap the rewards of a stable social support network.

During the journey, do take breaks when you feel tired of relationships and social interactions. It is acceptable for you to take a day off to catch up on your sleep, eat healthily, exercise and improve your general health.

If you have tried these tips and need more guidance on how to keep your loneliness at bay, do not be afraid to seek help from the people around you or from professionals.

Ultimately, we are social beings who need to connect with each other emotionally and socially, to be comforted, supported and understood.

Tackling the feelings of loneliness that come upon on us from time to time would allow us to build a more connected and fulfilling tomorrow. Start bonding with others today.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR: 

Jeanette Lim is a clinical psychologist at the Department of Psychology, Institute of Mental Health.